Which I do I?

Overwhelmed.  Yep.  That’s me right now.  So many changes – happening all at once.  Some good, some not so good, some neutral.

Let’s see, perhaps I should list them.  Oh, not for your benefit, but for mine so that I can see a little snapshot of what I am attempting to navigate:

• I am now Half a Century young, and though I thought not possible, it comes with a bunch of brand new variables to navigate
• My youngest daughter (of 3 “kids”) just moved out
• “Empty Nester” is one of my current titles – how did that happen?
• Downsizing the homestead is looming (which means a probable move)
• I now make an audible “harrrumph” every time I get up from the couch or bed
• Menopause has knocked me a sucker punch to the gut, literally, and has left a trail of disaster in its wake
• My pets have all traveled to the “rainbow bridge” and no one else is THAT glad to see me when I walk in the door
• Business is growing and developing (a good thing!), but can consume me as I, too, grow and develop in my knowledge-base of technology
• My body is slowly breaking down in nearly all of my joints.  Beast Mode has to become Be Careful Mode
• Contemplating how to help my parents, if/when the time comes, as they age
• I live life and do things BY MYSELF a lot because my phase of life is quite different from others my age (namely, they still have rugrats running around the house).  So dinner?  It’s me, myself and I.  Gym?  Lone Ranger.  Listening to live music?  Solo.  You get the picture
• Blah, Blah, Blah

SO WHAT, right?

Yeah.  You’re right.  So what.  The list above doesn’t indicate that big-a-deal and there’s nothing on it that is life-shattering.  But here’s the deal — here’s the SO WHAT —

No matter how we look at change and no matter what those changes are, we have to make a choice which determines how we navigate the different current, otherwise we may find ourselves sinking underneath those changing tides!

We have to ask the question,

WHICH I DO I?

After dropping off my daughter to her college dorm and letting my newfound loneliness sink in to a whole new level, 3 words came to mind — amidst an almost sink or swim moment of emotionalism.

Intermission.  Intervention.  Initiation.

Rather than getting myself completely ramped up over this tidal wave of change in my life, I believe I have the unique opportunity to make a choice between these three I’s.

 

Do I ….

1. Take an INTERMISSION:  Do I take a breather and allow myself to relax a little — Do things that promote a break from all the soul crushing responsibilities — Give myself a break — Learn again how to live life with more spontaneity rather than being so tied to a hard and fast schedule — Scaling back a bit and taking a long, deep breath before diving into more projects, more deadlines, more “stuff”
2. Have an INTERVENTION:  Do I intervene on my own behalf so as not to drown?  — Sign up to do something new — Create a social group without waiting to be asked to join one — Invite people to do things even if I am almost certain their schedules won’t allow — Surround myself by my adult kids whenever I can — Plan to have new adventures even if on my own — Commit to learning something new and mastering it — Travel to see friends when they cannot come see me — Learn a new language or take a college course — etc
3. Show some INITIATION:  Put action behind my plans — SHOW UP for myself every day — Spearhead fun events and gathering people together — Jump Start my own self care — Implement a plan of action for things that make me smile — Reach out rather than retreat

So … WHICH I DO I?

For me, personally, I am going to play a little mix and match … scrambling those three I’s a little and taking a bite out of each.  How?

An Intermission Amuse Bouche

For starters and as an appetizer to my Scrambled-I meal, I do, indeed, need a bit of an INTERMISSION.  After 25 years of raising kids, caring for pets, owning a business, being the best daughter, sister, friend, spouse, motivator, caregiver, trainer, leader, example, encourager, teacher, entrepreneur, writer, inspirer, cook, cleaner, “et al” I can be — I need an ever-lovin’ BREAK!!!  I do need an intermission from some of the heavy responsibility.  I need to understand that I don’t need to dive in right away to more and more and more things that require me to be the sole caregiver or the only one in charge.  An intermission from heavy responsibility is in order in the here and now, taking on nothing new.  Time to be kind to me.

A Heaping Helping of Intervention

Have you heard that Journey song, “Be Good to Yourself”?  Ahhhh — here are some of the lyrics:

Runnin’ out of self-control – Gettin’ close to an overload

Up against a ‘no win’ situation.

Shoulder to shoulder push and shove – I’m hanging up my boxing gloves

I’m ready for a long vacation.

Be good to yourself when nobody else will – OH, be good to yourself.

You’re walkin’ on high wire, caught in a crossfire – OH, be good to yourself.

When you can’t give no more.  They want it all but you gotta say NO.

OH, be good to yourself

It’s time for me to swoop on in and save the day — not ALLOW myself to drown in emotionalism, self pity, loneliness, lack of motivation, self sabotage.  Time for baby girl to get up, put up and shut up.  Nobody puts Baby in the corner, not even herself!  I can be my biggest hindrance and sometimes it is necessary for me to intercede on my own behalf and for my own good — become a mediator of sorts between the stuck between a rock and a hard place me and the over-extended, over-worked, over committed me.  There’s a place in the middle where a big spoonful of intervention can occur and I come out unscathed.

Main Course — INITIATION

It’s all fine and dandy to say, “I need to do this or that” , but it’s a whole other ball game to actually put action behind the words.  I love that line by the one and only Yoda that says, “DO. Or DO NOT.  There is no try,” and you know what?  That furry little creature, strange looking, though he be, is right!  I’m either going to DO something.  Or I’m NOT going to DO something.  My attempts at trying don’t accomplish the Doing or the Not Doing.  It truly is ONE or the OTHER.

I’ll be vulnerable with you by telling you how easy it is for me to retreat, to become the tiniest speck possible when the crap hits the fan.  I allow the waves to crash over me sometimes and permit myself to become tousled and tossed in the current of depression, especially when the waves keep coming and the pressure of their breaks feels too heavy.  I’ll also tell you that, though I may at times feel the initial stages of drowning under the pressure — I have yet to allow myself to drown.  Somewhere along the line I GET BACK UP … I INITIATE a change of course, a plan of action.  I put one outstretched arm in front of the other and I begin to swim.

So … Which I do YOU?

Where are you on the spectrum?

Maybe you need a full, 4-course meal of INTERMISSION.  Maybe you’ve been running way too hard for way too long and you need to unplug, detox, become invisible for a while, dismantle.  And if you recognize that INTERMISSION has become your last ditch effort and will be your saving grace, then I believe it’s time to DO or DO NOT.  A little “power down” is better than the alternative, which is a painful, scary, frantic drowning.

Or perhaps it’s the INTERVENTION that would do you most good.  A little kindness to self that keeps you afloat.  INTERVENTIONS can become a safety net, keeping you from falling off the edge.  It could be as easy as learning how to say NO to others and stand up for yourself, your time, your balance of energy.  Maybe it’s more about saying YES to the things in your life that put a great big smile on your face — those things you haven’t made time for because you are just “too busy”.  By the way, “too busy” and “drowning” look a lot alike.

Or possibly your life lacks your own INITIATION.  You talk a lot and have grand ideas about being healthier, losing weight, getting out from underneath the burden of debt, being a better friend, committing to your own fitness, living a more mindful life, learning something new … but you seldom step up to the plate and actually take a swing.  And you wonder why you just can’t kick the negative thoughts of “should have, would have, could have” which leave you feeling less than enthused about life in general.  It’s possible that INITIATING action, taking that first step is the very thing that will keep you from struggling underneath the water’s surface.

An I for an I for an I … mixed and matched … scrambled up … administered one spoon at a time, today, tomorrow, the next day and ongoing – it could be the life vest that keeps you afloat, come hell or high water, through changing tides or on calm seas.

How do I know?  Well, I’m currently there – have been there before and, I assure you, will be there again … standing there on the edge of what feels like a precipice and uttering the same words that popped into my head just the other day —

Which I do I?

To your BEST YOU YET!

~Michele

 

 

 

Welcome to the Jungle

She plopped down right beside me.

“I know you!”, she said, smiling.  “You’re Michele.”

I’m racking my brain.  Let’s see … I’m in Creede, Colorado, a teeny, tiny little town I’ve never visited, sitting in a restaurant I didn’t know existed.  Now – mind you – I’ve been in some very “off the beaten path” places far away from where I live and have randomly bumped into people I know.

There was a random store in the Miracle Mile in Vegas when I lived in Tampa, FL … “Are you Michele???  The crazy Spin instructor at the Y?”

Ummm…yes!  That’s me.

Or the newly built resort on a bumpy, dirt road out in the middle of “Nowhere, Belize”.  I just wanted to take a quick peek inside.  From across the pool I hear my name, “MICHELE!!!”

Well, hello!  Yes, I’ll be back in Colorado next week to teach those classes you love!

She kept smiling at me, and I’m positive she could see the wheels in my head turning – trying to figure out if I had met her once, way back when.   She reached out her hand and said,

“I’m Kim.  I’m part of a workout group here.  We all watched as two of our workout ladies went through your Fit Photage program.  They call you the Crazy Trainer – and that’s meant as a compliment!”

One thing you MUST understand about me.  I absolutely LOVE meeting new people, connecting, conversing, bantering, laughing.  I was drawn in by Kim’s contagious smile and her boldness to simply sit down beside a woman she didn’t know and, on top of that, invite conversation.

Kim just retired from teaching elementary school P.E.  She lived out her passion for physical fitness and for kids, many of whom just needed someone to believe in them, love on them, and show them that they are capable of great things in life.  I could see the passion in her face when she spoke of “her kids”.  I understood her completely.  As a school teacher myself, I GOT IT.  I understand the privilege it is to use your positive influence to help mold, create, steer others – many times not even realizing the effects of your influence until much later in life.

She told me about the Zoo Tiger and the Jungle Tiger – a very real concept that she taught her students.  The gist?

Zoo Tiger

fed, protected, nurtured, given medical attention, worries for nothing, has no need for survival skills, environmental conditions are constant, has a “look at me” mentality, no need to be on guard, caged but free from Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Change.

Jungle Tiger

must hunt to eat, licks his own wounds, on constant alert, knows survival tactics, adapts to changing environmental conditions, knows when to conserve or unleash energy, relies on instinct, free but faces Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Change.

When one of Kim’s “kids” struggled with completing a P.E. skill — she would whisper “Jungle Tiger” in his/her ear, not allowing a quitter’s mentality to set in.

If she knew they were having a difficult time at home, she would throw an arm around their shoulder and say, “I know things are tough right now.  I want you to be a Jungle Tiger that’s not afraid!”

When a student had to move away in the middle of the school year and was afraid of the impending changes, Kim would look him/her in the eyes and in her firm but loving way she would say, “You’ve got this!  Go show everyone what it is to be a Jungle Tiger – face these changes head on.  You’ll be ok!”

At team events, when one or more participants dropped the ball, fell down, missed the mark, couldn’t continue, Kim and the entire team would chant “Jungle Tiger, Jungle Tiger, Jungle Tiger”, not allowing any participant to fall to the wayside.

And when Kim herself struggled with cancer and was facing the difficult Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and the Changes within her body, her mindset, her day-to-day — those very students, her “kids”, rallied around her and screamed the words JUNGLE TIGER, JUNGLE TIGER, JUNGLE TIGER!

She was telling me this story.  I’m not sure why.  And my eyes welled up with tears.  This story, and the reality of it — it’s “in living color” realness resonated so deeply within.  Without even knowing me — she KNEW ME, my heart and it was like we were one in spirit.  What she wanted for her students, even for herself is one and the same with what I want for anyone I come in contact with in my world … and YES, even for myself.

I want to wake up in the morning and say, “Welcome to the Jungle, Baby” — let’s see what Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Changes are on the docket.  How will I JUNGLE TIGER those things today?  And by leading by example I hope to incite the same reaction within you!

We don’t have to be afraid.  Jungle Tigers learn their survival skills BY SURVIVING each PROBLEM, by FACING each CHALLENGE, by OVERCOMING each OBSTACLE and by LEARNING how to ADAPT to each CHANGE.

Avoidance of those things actually keeps us underdeveloped.  Avoidance produces fear of problems, challenges, obstacles and change.  Avoidance allows us to feel protected and we let down our guard as a result.  Avoidance keeps us from unleashing our full potential and the amazing surge of energy required to survive.  Avoidance puts us behind bars, caged — a Zoo Tiger lacking the necessary skills to survive, much less flourish with the things we set out to do.

Problems?  They’ll always be there.

Challenges?  Nothing worth anything comes easy.

Obstacles?  These are life’s learning curves.

Change?  The only thing that is constant.

It’s a JUNGLE OUT THERE!  So WAKE UP, Jungle Tiger … and welcome YOUR jungle, YOUR life, YOUR world, YOUR goals, YOUR desires, YOUR work, YOUR dreams and all the problems, challenges, obstacles and changes that YOUR jungle requires!

YOU GOT THIS!

I’ll be over here, embracing my own jungle while spurring us both on … Can you hear me chanting?

JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER …

Musings on the Mower

“I wish I lived, ‘BACK THEN’ “, my youngest daughter often blurts.

“BACK THEN?”, I reply with a little “Are you calling me OLD?!?” in my voice.

What she means, exactly, is that life seemed to be simpler, sweeter, less technical/digital.  And she is right, of course!  I’m really glad she notices the difference.

As I was mowing the grass a few days ago, I got to thinking more about BACK THEN .  I think my thought process stemmed from the fact that I realized I have ALWAYS enjoyed mowing the grass.  Not until a few years ago did I use a RIDING lawnmower.  The current property where I reside requires nearly a full day of mowing using a push mower.  Trust me, I’ve used that push mower on this yard many, many times.  Talk about a workout!  And truth be told — I kinda loved it — nice, hot sun — sweating — using my entire body to push that lawnmower over this rock-filled Colorado “grass” — seeing how fast I could go — digging my feet into the ground to give me leverage and speed — using my muscles in a very functional way.  (I’m actually getting a little revved up, now, as I type out the experience).

Back to the subject of BACK THEN …

I’m proud to be from my generation and I began to think how especially proud I am of the WOMEN of my generation.  We were raised to work hard.  Life wasn’t handed to us.  Granted, life was easier for us in many way than those of previous generations, but the tough chicks from BACK THEN, their grit and determination … their willingness to get their hands dirty, to not worry about callouses on their hands or sweat dripping from their brows — those women are my tribe.

The House that Built Me

We were born somewhere in the 60’s and lived our youth outside playing, getting dirty, swimming in ditches, racing our bicycles with the boys.  We had chores we HAD TO DO — and not for money.  We didn’t grow up in a fast pace, immediate satisfaction world and learned patience.  We knew very little of an entitlement mentality and realized that if we wanted something, we’d have to work hard, save our nickels and dimes and WAIT.  Oh but the acquisition of that thing we wanted was so sweet after all the saving and waiting!

The women from BACK THEN helped cut the grass with a push mower.  We pulled weeds rather than spraying them with poison.  We got on our hands and knees and scrubbed floors and washed dishes after dinner.  Dishwashers?  WE were the dishwashers.  Many of us learned how to sew so that we could mend that pair of shorts that developed a hole in the seat.  Funny to think that those kind of “holey” shorts sell for a pretty price these days.  And yes, I wear them!  We learned how to cook, how to budget — because we HAD to budget.  Often times, as young teens, we learned how to take care of younger siblings and essentially ran a household while both of our parents were at work during the summer.  We had to get up from the couch to change the channel on the TV, had to wait a full week to see the next nail-biting episode of our favorite show.  The Muppets and Little House on the Prairie were Friday night Prime Time TV — sex didn’t sell as much nor did hardcore violence.  Popcorn was popped on the stove — microwaves didn’t come along til we were almost high school graduates.  We wrote hand-written love letters til our hands cramped and then we put those love letters in the mailbox after spraying a hint of perfume on the paper.  We didn’t have a phone in our back pockets or permanently attached to our hands.  When we wanted to talk on the phone we had to wait our turn, had a time limit and we stretched the phone cord into the closet where we could have as much privacy as possible.  There was no “hitting the SEND button”. Computers were for corporate use and took up the space of very large warehouse rooms.  We asked the neighbor if we could borrow a cup of sugar and only a few of those neighbors had garages, so we waved at each other on their walk from the  car to the front door.  There were no tablets, laptops, smartphones, smart watches, things that beeped, buzzed or dinged and interrupted our train of thought.  We read books — actual books and I can still smell the paper within the binding.  We picked dandelions and made wishes, made mud pies and forts and never once thought to broadcast our every move on social media.  Our social media was Friday night movie night in the living room with our friends or family and popcorn or chips and dip.

I feel like my age 50-something counterparts learned so many great life and living lessons that perhaps some in this current generation miss out on.  Was my generation perfect?  Absolutely not.  Did it have its own issues/problems?  Of course.  Were we perfect little angels?  Ummmm … a resounding NO!  But I feel we knew our place in this world and we understood how to get things done.  How to make things happen.  We weren’t pulled in so many directions nor did we have the technological advances that did our work for us.  We weren’t bombarded as much by all the information.  And being “worldly-wise” wasn’t a good thing, BACK THEN.  There was a bit more innocence and we didn’t feel we were necessarily “missing out” or that we were less mature because of the lack of street knowledge.

It’s not this generation’s fault, really.  Life is just different now than it was BACK THEN.  And my daughter notices the difference.  She longs for something she’s never really had except that I have demonstrated a little of what it was like by the way I parent her.  And I believe the other women of my generation — my tribe of women — have done the same thing in many ways.  They’ve carried on the good of BACK THEN and have passed it down as best they can.

There is something to be said about those days BACK THEN.  They were good days.  They were days of true “work hard, play hard” living.  There was a toughness developed.  We, as a generation of women BACK THEN have, now, a different resolve and yet have maintained a certain, sweet softness that seems less prevalent today.  I’m glad my daughter recognizes it and longs for it because maybe it means I’ve done something right in the way of passing down a legacy.

And as I made another swath across the yard, musing on my mower, and living out the glory days in my head, I smiled.   That smell of freshly cut grass in my nostrils.  The sun on my skin and the sweat on my forehead.  My mind, a movie reel of memories.   BACK THEN has seeped into the here and now and I secretly applaud myself for passing the baton of that time gone by.

 

And to seal the deal … I go looking for that push mower …

 

 

 

Lyrical Lingu: The Caliginous Night

The following lines are not my own, however, I have pulled together song lyrics and have juxtaposed them into my own, free-flowing thought process … my own interpretative verse.  It is, in its entirety, lyrics borrowed from songs that have moved me deeply in relation to my own pain and internal struggles.  Maybe you, too, have had to deal with intense hurt or pain, either from your own poor choices or at another’s hand.   Maybe you, like me, have have had to find ways to overcome through exercise, self expression, music, books, your work — but before overcoming,  you have leaned into a sort-of comradery with others who have also carried such an intense burden — that whole, “misery loves company” thing.

This is my Lyrical Lingu … my language of lyrics that helps me understand that I am not alone.  That others feel or have felt the same intensity as I and have gone as far as to put their pain to music.  This is part of my “before overcoming” story, and it’s part of the artists’ stories as well.  Maybe it’s YOUR “before overcoming” story too.  It’s ok to express it.  It’s ok for the darkness to take hold for a little while … to feel the intensity down to your bones.  This entry sounds bleak, hopeless even,  HOWEVER — it’s only part of the story of ultimate redemption.  So, don’t sit in the dark for too long here, because the “GET BACK UP” story comes next.

The only words that are my own have been inserted within parenthesis […]. Artists and their songs are listed at the end.  To all my fitness class participants – “You’re welcome”!  These are the songs that drove ME and therefore drove you!

 Lyrical Lingu Part I

The Caliginous Night

All my life, been running from a pain in me.  A feeling I don’t understand is holding me down.   I can’t seem to tame my mind.  Slings and arrows are killing me inside.  Clipped wings … [I’m] a broken thing.    I’ve traded love for indifference and it suits me just fine … every sound … monotone.  Every color … monochrome. I’ve become so numb.  Apathy grows quietly where rapture use to fly.   I’m rusted and weathered.  I’m tied up, twisted, barely breathing, buried in the dark. [My] darkest moments…keep [me] in the dark where all of the ghouls come out to play.  I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed.   [I] look[ed] for heaven once … but found the devil in me, and it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back!  [Mine is] just another soul for sale, covered with skin … it peels but it just won’t heal.

It’s always raining in my head.  I run and run as the rains come.  Run away, run away like a prodigal, [playing] hide and seek.  I am nothing more than a little [girl] inside [who] cries out for redemption yet I always try to hide.   When the night falls, you wonder if you shouldn’t find some place to run and hide … escape the pain.  But hiding is such a lonely thing to do.  [I] cry without weeping, talk without speaking, scream without raising [my] voice under a black belly of cloud in the rain.  I’ve got something to say, you know, but nothing comes.  Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul.  Sometimes I hear my voice [but] it’s been silent all these years.  Do you think there’s a heaven where the screams have gone?  Running through hell.  Heaven can wait.  Years go by and will I choke on my tears till finally there’s nothing left?  Years go by and will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?  What’s the use so [I] start retreating.  I tear my heart open just to feel [then] I sew myself shut.  Life [begins] to fade into the black.  I [can] hardly feel me anymore.    Can hold my breath only for a little while until reality starts sinking in.  Lost under the surface.  Caught in the undertow.  I’m drowning in the pain, breaking down again. I want to swim away but don’t know how.  Sometimes it feels like I’m falling in the ocean.  Let the waves knock and take me down.  Let the rain of what I feel right now come down.  Let the rain come down. Not knowing how to think, I scream aloud … begin to sink.

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away.  Sudden rain, coming down.  It all comes back to me … waking up, falling down.  Is there anybody out there?  I’m waiting in the dark.  Isn’t anyone trying to find me?  There’s nothing but the rain.  No footsteps on the ground.  Maybe friends will stand around and watch [me] crumble as [I’m]  falling to the ground.  I’ve been looking for a lifeline for what seems like a lifetime.  Can you help me?  I walk a lonely road … the only one that I have ever known.  Long road to ruin and my shadow’s the only one who walks beside me.  I’m bent.  I’m falling apart, barely breathing with a broken heart that’s still beating.  Sometimes I wish someone would find me.  Wake me up inside.  Call my name and save me from the dark.  Bid my blood to run … Tear down the walls that I’ve built around myself.  Save me from the nothing I’ve become.  Is there anybody out there?  I cried out with no reply.  If I fall along the way, [will anyone] pick me up and dust me off?  In a world so cold it’s hard to keep the faith.  It’s a damn, cold night trying to figure out this life.   Sometimes you feel like you live too long …. the days drip slowly on the page.  Nothing’s going right and everything’s a mess. I left myself behind somewhere along the way hoping to come back around to find myself some day.   I waited for you, today.  But you didn’t show. I’m searching for a face.  Is there anyone here I know?  [Ahhhh perhaps] … my shadow’s the only one that walks beside me.  [I] bleed myself out and no one cares.  Now again I’ve found myself so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place.  Seems I found the road to nowhere and I’m trying to escape.  Can anyone see me down here?   For now I’ll walk the night alone like a [girl] against the world.

I’m unashamed.  I’m gonna show my scar. It’s just the power of a breaking heart.  How good am I hiding it?  I won’t explain or say I’m sorry.  I do not have to justify the way I live my life. Remember what abuse did. Somewhere there’s a stolen halo.  There’s a scream we all try to hide. Someone ran away with innocence.  A memory [I] can’t get out of [my] head.  Can the child within my heart rise above?  I remember all of the things I thought I wanted to be.  So desperate to find my way out of my world and finally breathe.  I’m not afraid of anything.  I just need to know that I can breathe.  But I’m only a crack in this castle of glass.  Hardly anything there for you to see.  [Yet] somehow I’m still here to explain that the darkest hour never comes in the night [and that]  this quick sand’s got no sense of humor.  I wrote the book on pain so [I’ll]change the rhyme and forget the reason and give a cheer for all the broken … walking with the wounded. Because it’s who we are. 

 

Linkin Park:  Castle of Glass

James Morrison:  “I Won’t Let You Go”

Coldplay:  “Fix You”

Big and Rich:  “Holy Water”

Adele:  “Remedy”

Avril Lavigne:  “I’m With You” “How Does it Feel”

Blue October:  “Light You UP”, “Into the Ocean”, “Fear”, “The Worry List”

Lifehouse:  “Take Me Away”, “Broken”

Barlow Girl:  “Never Alone”

Papa Roach:  “Lifeline”, “Scars”

Creed:  “Higher”, “Weathered”, “One Last Breath”,

Candlebox: “Far Behind”

Default: “It Only Hurts” “Count on Me”

Evanescence:  “Bring Me To Life”

Foo Fighters:  “Long Road to Ruin”, “Come Alive”

Linkin Park: “Numb”, “Bleed it Out”

Green Day: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”

Jimmy Buffet:  “Pacing the Cage”

Matchbox 20: “Bent”

Eminem: “Beautiful Pain”, “Monster”

My Chemical Romance: “Welcome to the Black Parade”

Stain’d:  “Lost along the Way”, “Epiphany”

Scott Stapp: “Let Me Go”, “Broken”, “Justify”

3 Door Down:  “Let Me Be Myself”, “Away from the Sun”

U2:  “Running to Stand Still”

Tori Amos: “Silent All These Years”

Third Eye Blind:  “Wounded”

Third Day:  “When the Rain Comes”

Survivor: “Man Against the World”

Imogen Heap: “Hide and Seek”

Florence and the Machine: “Shake It Out”

One Republic: “Prodigal”

Sister Hazel: “Life Got In The Way”

Sia:  “Bird Set Free”

Stevie Nicks: “Landslide”

Switchfoot: “The Shadow Proves the Sunshine”

Bully on your Back

Sssshhhh!  Listen …. Do you hear that?  Sounds like jeering.  Where is it coming from?  Sure feels up close and personal, but you look right, then left – just in case.

There it is again.  Sneering this time – laughing that “AT YOU” kind of laugh meant to make you feel small and powerless – inconsequential.  You feel a heavy weight dragging you to the ground and in a split second before buckling under the pressure you look over your shoulder.  You see it — “him”, “her” — perched on your back with a reflection that mirrors your own face and carries your own namesake — your nemesis who whispers in your ear day in and day out.  Your own personal bully has wrapped arms around you and rides shotgun through your day to day.

We’ll call this bully, “Big B” but inserting our own names also suffices.

Big B didn’t rise to authority in our lives without our permission.  See, there’s the rub.  Somewhere along the line we invited Big B to hop on, piggy back, and we agreed to carry Big B with us.  At first it seemed like no big deal.  Just a little extra weight.  And Big B knew better than to speak up too loudly, too soon.  Just a little whisper of self-deprecation here.  A teeny, tiny, treacherous tirade there.  Just enough to ruffle our feathers a bit but not force us to drop that unwanted weight off our backs.  Big B knows exactly how to slowly condition us to the inner bullying until we convince ourselves there’s truth in the whispers.

Along the path, as we become accustomed to the added weight on our backs, Big B decides to kick it up a notch.  Time for more ammunition — Finger Pointing, Word Darts, Accusatory Arrows, the “Should Have”, “Could Have” Rocks, the Derogatory Name Calling — all get picked up and thrown into Big B’s pack.  And we find ourselves struggling intensely under the burden of it all.

Big B’s voice gets louder: 

“Haha, look at you!  Don’t you know you’ll fail?”

“You could’ve done ________________ but you dropped the ball.  How pathetic are you?”

“You are a wanna be and everyone knows it, except you.”

“LOSER!  Quitter!  Play small because you could never make it in the big leagues.”

“Try all you want but in the end you know it won’t work.  It never does.  And you are to blame.”

Points a finger in your face and pulls out the fiery darts…

“You are ugly.  You aren’t good enough.  You’re unloveable.  You are too much to handle.  You can’t do anything right.  You will never change.  You are stuck.  You are hopeless.  You CAN’T.  You WON’T.  You are pathetic.  You are too emotional.  You aren’t emotional enough.  You aren’t likable.  You are too headstrong for your own good.  You push people away.  You are not pretty enough, thin enough, athletic enough.  You ___________________fill in the blank______________________”

There’s a lyric I absolutely love from a song by Florence & the Machine called “Shake it Out”

“It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back so SHAKE HIM OFF!”

When did we allow the voice in our head to become the Big B on our backs?  More importantly, when did our own voice begin to sabotage us, to cut us off at the pass, to become the enemy at the gates, to drive us down into the dirt and keep us there?  Our OWN VOICE?

There are enough naysayers, haters and outright bullies out there as it is.  How dare we give credence to the BIG B that crops up in our own heads?  It certainly is enough of a battle dealing with the negativity of others, the jealous pettiness they throw our way in the form of slings and arrows meant to take us down, put us in our place.  The comparisons,  the jockeying for position, the keeping up with the Jones’s (again I ask, who are the Jones’s anyway?) and the general dog eat dog world out there are already more weight than we can bear.  But that internal voice in our own heads is what is gonna do us in, and for good, if we don’t shake that Big B devil off our backs.

But how?  Easier said than done – especially when Big B has laced fingers with ours and has wrapped arms and legs around us for what seems like the long haul.  Big B’s voice, though unkind, has become a sort of melodic rhythm in our ears and we find ourselves walking this life to it’s beat.

But Remember … Big B has camped on our back because of our permission.  So, I believe the one and only step we need to take is to mandate Big B’s departure.  Shake it out.  At first, this will require a DAILY, dare I say MOMENT BY MOMENT decree from within us.  Big B will continue to throw darts and arrows, hurl rocks, detonate soul crushing bombs and even resort to nasty little whispers in our ears.  We must HOLD FAST at every turn, each moment.  When we feel our knees buckling under the pressure to believe anything Bib B has to say, we must STAND FIRM, an unmovable defense against that domestic enemy.

We shake, we shake, we shake some more until that Bully on our Backs falls off, we hear the beautiful sound of silence and we start to dance!

“Shake It Out”

Florence + the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

‘Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I tried to dance with the devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn
(Oh whoa, oh whoa)

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

 

 

Perspectiva Inversa

You are worth

Nothing.  There is so much

Wasted.   You ruin

Everything good … Nothing about you is

Beautiful.   You are the embodiment of

Mistakes   Your Mental, emotional, physical characteristics –

Have no lasting impact.   Each day  you should disregard your

Value.   Shame and regret 

Overwhelming you … Embrace the

Hopelessness, doubts, fears from

Every moment   Prevent

Courage – Rise up and then

Dim your

Light from the inside out.  Never

Enough value, beauty, worth, passion, goodness, discipline,

You have

Now read from the bottom line up (left to right) from the last line to the first.

Perspectiva Inversa

We are what we think.  The negativity that swirls in our minds concerning ourselves is devastating.  It predicts our every movement through life, our reactions to others, our assumed position in this World.  Oh the fiery darts we throw at our own hearts.  The World is full of naysayers and haters, yet we are our worst enemy most days.  From the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning to pillowing our heads at night, the running dialogue of self doubt, self hatred, self sabotage creates a slow and painful death to our spirits.

It takes courage to stand up for ourselves amidst the doubts and fears, the insecurities, the mistakes, the wounds, the regrets.  That battalion of warriors inside our heads is fierce, unrelenting, harsh and cruel and is willing at any moment to take us down, and HARD.  It uses every single weapon in our wheelhouse to weaken us until we fall.  The enemy at the gates is sly and uses seemingly innocuous means to keep us from standing tall and living in victory.

Comparing ourselves to others.  Oh, that’s a sticky one.  We become entrapped in the “less than” pit.  The waters are muddy and our feet slip on the slimy undersurface of “looking less”, “having less”, “being less”.  There is no standing on such a surface.

Returning to Regrets.  Like a dog returns to its own vomit.  Melodramatic you say?  Ahhh, but we do this ALL THE TIME.  There’s no standing in victory while hunched over, feasting on the rancid remnants of regrets.

Carrying the bag of Shame.  This is a doozie and is a sure way of crippling anyone under its weight.  The thing is, we aren’t meant to carry that pack on our backs.  Shame is an uninvited traveler, perched on our shoulders, free-loading from us along the journey.  It takes our pride, our dignity, our fortitude and eventually our ability to take another step toward victory.  For as long as we are allow ourselves to be heavy laden, the cost to Shame is nothing.  The cost to us is great.

Validating Devaluation.  We are the only ones who can allow ourselves to feel devalued.  Sure, others can attempt to make us feel worthless by the words they say or the way they treat us, but it’s only in our own agreement with them that we become flanked on all sides by the value stealers.  Our worth was decided from the very beginning.  “You are beautifully and wonderfully made.”  No other person, circumstance, group of people, authority figures, mistakes in life can change the fact that from the beginning of time our value was already established.  Validating devaluation of ourselves hangs our heads so low that we can no longer see the path ahead, fight the battles or even come close to living in victory.

Playing Hangman with Hopelessness.   Whenever we play against the house, the house usually wins.  It is risky behavior to play games with Hopelessness.  Much like Russian Roulette, the odds of coming out alive are slim.  The noose of Hopelessness is tied and ready to choke us out.  Hopelessness and all the various emotions it brings to the playing table is a crooked dealer wanting us to believe, in the depths of our souls, that there’s just no use in trying.  There’s no hope for 2nd chances, for change, for any good thing — and certainly no hope for winning battles, much less the war.  Not too far into the game we find ourselves hung up, barely breathing.

Moving in with FEAR.  When we decide to live our lives side by side with FEAR, we get into bed with a LIAR.  Watch your back.  Keep one eye open because FEAR could snuff you out in your sleep.  FEAR cripples.  FEAR steals joy, happiness.  FEAR puts up road blocks, stop signs, no entry placards.  FEAR keeps our strength at bay.  FEAR asphyxiates us and robs us of our forward drive on this battleground of life.

We need PERSPECTIVA INVERSA.  We need a change of thought … a reversal … a flip side … a completely upside down re-write of the programmed thought process in our heads.  We’ve got dragons and demons to slay.  There’s a battle ground in our minds and hearts with enough enemies from within and from without that are vying for victory.  The enemies plot daily to steal, kill and destroy from any and every angle possible.  We have work to do beginning with our own internal dialogue.  Let’s gather our troops to the frontline.  It’s time for battle.

Perspectiva Inversa, my comrades.  Onward and Upward!