Which I do I?

Overwhelmed.  Yep.  That’s me right now.  So many changes – happening all at once.  Some good, some not so good, some neutral.

Let’s see, perhaps I should list them.  Oh, not for your benefit, but for mine so that I can see a little snapshot of what I am attempting to navigate:

• I am now Half a Century young, and though I thought not possible, it comes with a bunch of brand new variables to navigate
• My youngest daughter (of 3 “kids”) just moved out
• “Empty Nester” is one of my current titles – how did that happen?
• Downsizing the homestead is looming (which means a probable move)
• I now make an audible “harrrumph” every time I get up from the couch or bed
• Menopause has knocked me a sucker punch to the gut, literally, and has left a trail of disaster in its wake
• My pets have all traveled to the “rainbow bridge” and no one else is THAT glad to see me when I walk in the door
• Business is growing and developing (a good thing!), but can consume me as I, too, grow and develop in my knowledge-base of technology
• My body is slowly breaking down in nearly all of my joints.  Beast Mode has to become Be Careful Mode
• Contemplating how to help my parents, if/when the time comes, as they age
• I live life and do things BY MYSELF a lot because my phase of life is quite different from others my age (namely, they still have rugrats running around the house).  So dinner?  It’s me, myself and I.  Gym?  Lone Ranger.  Listening to live music?  Solo.  You get the picture
• Blah, Blah, Blah

SO WHAT, right?

Yeah.  You’re right.  So what.  The list above doesn’t indicate that big-a-deal and there’s nothing on it that is life-shattering.  But here’s the deal — here’s the SO WHAT —

No matter how we look at change and no matter what those changes are, we have to make a choice which determines how we navigate the different current, otherwise we may find ourselves sinking underneath those changing tides!

We have to ask the question,

WHICH I DO I?

After dropping off my daughter to her college dorm and letting my newfound loneliness sink in to a whole new level, 3 words came to mind — amidst an almost sink or swim moment of emotionalism.

Intermission.  Intervention.  Initiation.

Rather than getting myself completely ramped up over this tidal wave of change in my life, I believe I have the unique opportunity to make a choice between these three I’s.

 

Do I ….

1. Take an INTERMISSION:  Do I take a breather and allow myself to relax a little — Do things that promote a break from all the soul crushing responsibilities — Give myself a break — Learn again how to live life with more spontaneity rather than being so tied to a hard and fast schedule — Scaling back a bit and taking a long, deep breath before diving into more projects, more deadlines, more “stuff”
2. Have an INTERVENTION:  Do I intervene on my own behalf so as not to drown?  — Sign up to do something new — Create a social group without waiting to be asked to join one — Invite people to do things even if I am almost certain their schedules won’t allow — Surround myself by my adult kids whenever I can — Plan to have new adventures even if on my own — Commit to learning something new and mastering it — Travel to see friends when they cannot come see me — Learn a new language or take a college course — etc
3. Show some INITIATION:  Put action behind my plans — SHOW UP for myself every day — Spearhead fun events and gathering people together — Jump Start my own self care — Implement a plan of action for things that make me smile — Reach out rather than retreat

So … WHICH I DO I?

For me, personally, I am going to play a little mix and match … scrambling those three I’s a little and taking a bite out of each.  How?

An Intermission Amuse Bouche

For starters and as an appetizer to my Scrambled-I meal, I do, indeed, need a bit of an INTERMISSION.  After 25 years of raising kids, caring for pets, owning a business, being the best daughter, sister, friend, spouse, motivator, caregiver, trainer, leader, example, encourager, teacher, entrepreneur, writer, inspirer, cook, cleaner, “et al” I can be — I need an ever-lovin’ BREAK!!!  I do need an intermission from some of the heavy responsibility.  I need to understand that I don’t need to dive in right away to more and more and more things that require me to be the sole caregiver or the only one in charge.  An intermission from heavy responsibility is in order in the here and now, taking on nothing new.  Time to be kind to me.

A Heaping Helping of Intervention

Have you heard that Journey song, “Be Good to Yourself”?  Ahhhh — here are some of the lyrics:

Runnin’ out of self-control – Gettin’ close to an overload

Up against a ‘no win’ situation.

Shoulder to shoulder push and shove – I’m hanging up my boxing gloves

I’m ready for a long vacation.

Be good to yourself when nobody else will – OH, be good to yourself.

You’re walkin’ on high wire, caught in a crossfire – OH, be good to yourself.

When you can’t give no more.  They want it all but you gotta say NO.

OH, be good to yourself

It’s time for me to swoop on in and save the day — not ALLOW myself to drown in emotionalism, self pity, loneliness, lack of motivation, self sabotage.  Time for baby girl to get up, put up and shut up.  Nobody puts Baby in the corner, not even herself!  I can be my biggest hindrance and sometimes it is necessary for me to intercede on my own behalf and for my own good — become a mediator of sorts between the stuck between a rock and a hard place me and the over-extended, over-worked, over committed me.  There’s a place in the middle where a big spoonful of intervention can occur and I come out unscathed.

Main Course — INITIATION

It’s all fine and dandy to say, “I need to do this or that” , but it’s a whole other ball game to actually put action behind the words.  I love that line by the one and only Yoda that says, “DO. Or DO NOT.  There is no try,” and you know what?  That furry little creature, strange looking, though he be, is right!  I’m either going to DO something.  Or I’m NOT going to DO something.  My attempts at trying don’t accomplish the Doing or the Not Doing.  It truly is ONE or the OTHER.

I’ll be vulnerable with you by telling you how easy it is for me to retreat, to become the tiniest speck possible when the crap hits the fan.  I allow the waves to crash over me sometimes and permit myself to become tousled and tossed in the current of depression, especially when the waves keep coming and the pressure of their breaks feels too heavy.  I’ll also tell you that, though I may at times feel the initial stages of drowning under the pressure — I have yet to allow myself to drown.  Somewhere along the line I GET BACK UP … I INITIATE a change of course, a plan of action.  I put one outstretched arm in front of the other and I begin to swim.

So … Which I do YOU?

Where are you on the spectrum?

Maybe you need a full, 4-course meal of INTERMISSION.  Maybe you’ve been running way too hard for way too long and you need to unplug, detox, become invisible for a while, dismantle.  And if you recognize that INTERMISSION has become your last ditch effort and will be your saving grace, then I believe it’s time to DO or DO NOT.  A little “power down” is better than the alternative, which is a painful, scary, frantic drowning.

Or perhaps it’s the INTERVENTION that would do you most good.  A little kindness to self that keeps you afloat.  INTERVENTIONS can become a safety net, keeping you from falling off the edge.  It could be as easy as learning how to say NO to others and stand up for yourself, your time, your balance of energy.  Maybe it’s more about saying YES to the things in your life that put a great big smile on your face — those things you haven’t made time for because you are just “too busy”.  By the way, “too busy” and “drowning” look a lot alike.

Or possibly your life lacks your own INITIATION.  You talk a lot and have grand ideas about being healthier, losing weight, getting out from underneath the burden of debt, being a better friend, committing to your own fitness, living a more mindful life, learning something new … but you seldom step up to the plate and actually take a swing.  And you wonder why you just can’t kick the negative thoughts of “should have, would have, could have” which leave you feeling less than enthused about life in general.  It’s possible that INITIATING action, taking that first step is the very thing that will keep you from struggling underneath the water’s surface.

An I for an I for an I … mixed and matched … scrambled up … administered one spoon at a time, today, tomorrow, the next day and ongoing – it could be the life vest that keeps you afloat, come hell or high water, through changing tides or on calm seas.

How do I know?  Well, I’m currently there – have been there before and, I assure you, will be there again … standing there on the edge of what feels like a precipice and uttering the same words that popped into my head just the other day —

Which I do I?

To your BEST YOU YET!

~Michele

 

 

 

Welcome to the Jungle

She plopped down right beside me.

“I know you!”, she said, smiling.  “You’re Michele.”

I’m racking my brain.  Let’s see … I’m in Creede, Colorado, a teeny, tiny little town I’ve never visited, sitting in a restaurant I didn’t know existed.  Now – mind you – I’ve been in some very “off the beaten path” places far away from where I live and have randomly bumped into people I know.

There was a random store in the Miracle Mile in Vegas when I lived in Tampa, FL … “Are you Michele???  The crazy Spin instructor at the Y?”

Ummm…yes!  That’s me.

Or the newly built resort on a bumpy, dirt road out in the middle of “Nowhere, Belize”.  I just wanted to take a quick peek inside.  From across the pool I hear my name, “MICHELE!!!”

Well, hello!  Yes, I’ll be back in Colorado next week to teach those classes you love!

She kept smiling at me, and I’m positive she could see the wheels in my head turning – trying to figure out if I had met her once, way back when.   She reached out her hand and said,

“I’m Kim.  I’m part of a workout group here.  We all watched as two of our workout ladies went through your Fit Photage program.  They call you the Crazy Trainer – and that’s meant as a compliment!”

One thing you MUST understand about me.  I absolutely LOVE meeting new people, connecting, conversing, bantering, laughing.  I was drawn in by Kim’s contagious smile and her boldness to simply sit down beside a woman she didn’t know and, on top of that, invite conversation.

Kim just retired from teaching elementary school P.E.  She lived out her passion for physical fitness and for kids, many of whom just needed someone to believe in them, love on them, and show them that they are capable of great things in life.  I could see the passion in her face when she spoke of “her kids”.  I understood her completely.  As a school teacher myself, I GOT IT.  I understand the privilege it is to use your positive influence to help mold, create, steer others – many times not even realizing the effects of your influence until much later in life.

She told me about the Zoo Tiger and the Jungle Tiger – a very real concept that she taught her students.  The gist?

Zoo Tiger

fed, protected, nurtured, given medical attention, worries for nothing, has no need for survival skills, environmental conditions are constant, has a “look at me” mentality, no need to be on guard, caged but free from Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Change.

Jungle Tiger

must hunt to eat, licks his own wounds, on constant alert, knows survival tactics, adapts to changing environmental conditions, knows when to conserve or unleash energy, relies on instinct, free but faces Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Change.

When one of Kim’s “kids” struggled with completing a P.E. skill — she would whisper “Jungle Tiger” in his/her ear, not allowing a quitter’s mentality to set in.

If she knew they were having a difficult time at home, she would throw an arm around their shoulder and say, “I know things are tough right now.  I want you to be a Jungle Tiger that’s not afraid!”

When a student had to move away in the middle of the school year and was afraid of the impending changes, Kim would look him/her in the eyes and in her firm but loving way she would say, “You’ve got this!  Go show everyone what it is to be a Jungle Tiger – face these changes head on.  You’ll be ok!”

At team events, when one or more participants dropped the ball, fell down, missed the mark, couldn’t continue, Kim and the entire team would chant “Jungle Tiger, Jungle Tiger, Jungle Tiger”, not allowing any participant to fall to the wayside.

And when Kim herself struggled with cancer and was facing the difficult Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and the Changes within her body, her mindset, her day-to-day — those very students, her “kids”, rallied around her and screamed the words JUNGLE TIGER, JUNGLE TIGER, JUNGLE TIGER!

She was telling me this story.  I’m not sure why.  And my eyes welled up with tears.  This story, and the reality of it — it’s “in living color” realness resonated so deeply within.  Without even knowing me — she KNEW ME, my heart and it was like we were one in spirit.  What she wanted for her students, even for herself is one and the same with what I want for anyone I come in contact with in my world … and YES, even for myself.

I want to wake up in the morning and say, “Welcome to the Jungle, Baby” — let’s see what Problems, Challenges, Obstacles and Changes are on the docket.  How will I JUNGLE TIGER those things today?  And by leading by example I hope to incite the same reaction within you!

We don’t have to be afraid.  Jungle Tigers learn their survival skills BY SURVIVING each PROBLEM, by FACING each CHALLENGE, by OVERCOMING each OBSTACLE and by LEARNING how to ADAPT to each CHANGE.

Avoidance of those things actually keeps us underdeveloped.  Avoidance produces fear of problems, challenges, obstacles and change.  Avoidance allows us to feel protected and we let down our guard as a result.  Avoidance keeps us from unleashing our full potential and the amazing surge of energy required to survive.  Avoidance puts us behind bars, caged — a Zoo Tiger lacking the necessary skills to survive, much less flourish with the things we set out to do.

Problems?  They’ll always be there.

Challenges?  Nothing worth anything comes easy.

Obstacles?  These are life’s learning curves.

Change?  The only thing that is constant.

It’s a JUNGLE OUT THERE!  So WAKE UP, Jungle Tiger … and welcome YOUR jungle, YOUR life, YOUR world, YOUR goals, YOUR desires, YOUR work, YOUR dreams and all the problems, challenges, obstacles and changes that YOUR jungle requires!

YOU GOT THIS!

I’ll be over here, embracing my own jungle while spurring us both on … Can you hear me chanting?

JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER … JUNGLE TIGER …

Bully on your Back

Sssshhhh!  Listen …. Do you hear that?  Sounds like jeering.  Where is it coming from?  Sure feels up close and personal, but you look right, then left – just in case.

There it is again.  Sneering this time – laughing that “AT YOU” kind of laugh meant to make you feel small and powerless – inconsequential.  You feel a heavy weight dragging you to the ground and in a split second before buckling under the pressure you look over your shoulder.  You see it — “him”, “her” — perched on your back with a reflection that mirrors your own face and carries your own namesake — your nemesis who whispers in your ear day in and day out.  Your own personal bully has wrapped arms around you and rides shotgun through your day to day.

We’ll call this bully, “Big B” but inserting our own names also suffices.

Big B didn’t rise to authority in our lives without our permission.  See, there’s the rub.  Somewhere along the line we invited Big B to hop on, piggy back, and we agreed to carry Big B with us.  At first it seemed like no big deal.  Just a little extra weight.  And Big B knew better than to speak up too loudly, too soon.  Just a little whisper of self-deprecation here.  A teeny, tiny, treacherous tirade there.  Just enough to ruffle our feathers a bit but not force us to drop that unwanted weight off our backs.  Big B knows exactly how to slowly condition us to the inner bullying until we convince ourselves there’s truth in the whispers.

Along the path, as we become accustomed to the added weight on our backs, Big B decides to kick it up a notch.  Time for more ammunition — Finger Pointing, Word Darts, Accusatory Arrows, the “Should Have”, “Could Have” Rocks, the Derogatory Name Calling — all get picked up and thrown into Big B’s pack.  And we find ourselves struggling intensely under the burden of it all.

Big B’s voice gets louder: 

“Haha, look at you!  Don’t you know you’ll fail?”

“You could’ve done ________________ but you dropped the ball.  How pathetic are you?”

“You are a wanna be and everyone knows it, except you.”

“LOSER!  Quitter!  Play small because you could never make it in the big leagues.”

“Try all you want but in the end you know it won’t work.  It never does.  And you are to blame.”

Points a finger in your face and pulls out the fiery darts…

“You are ugly.  You aren’t good enough.  You’re unloveable.  You are too much to handle.  You can’t do anything right.  You will never change.  You are stuck.  You are hopeless.  You CAN’T.  You WON’T.  You are pathetic.  You are too emotional.  You aren’t emotional enough.  You aren’t likable.  You are too headstrong for your own good.  You push people away.  You are not pretty enough, thin enough, athletic enough.  You ___________________fill in the blank______________________”

There’s a lyric I absolutely love from a song by Florence & the Machine called “Shake it Out”

“It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back so SHAKE HIM OFF!”

When did we allow the voice in our head to become the Big B on our backs?  More importantly, when did our own voice begin to sabotage us, to cut us off at the pass, to become the enemy at the gates, to drive us down into the dirt and keep us there?  Our OWN VOICE?

There are enough naysayers, haters and outright bullies out there as it is.  How dare we give credence to the BIG B that crops up in our own heads?  It certainly is enough of a battle dealing with the negativity of others, the jealous pettiness they throw our way in the form of slings and arrows meant to take us down, put us in our place.  The comparisons,  the jockeying for position, the keeping up with the Jones’s (again I ask, who are the Jones’s anyway?) and the general dog eat dog world out there are already more weight than we can bear.  But that internal voice in our own heads is what is gonna do us in, and for good, if we don’t shake that Big B devil off our backs.

But how?  Easier said than done – especially when Big B has laced fingers with ours and has wrapped arms and legs around us for what seems like the long haul.  Big B’s voice, though unkind, has become a sort of melodic rhythm in our ears and we find ourselves walking this life to it’s beat.

But Remember … Big B has camped on our back because of our permission.  So, I believe the one and only step we need to take is to mandate Big B’s departure.  Shake it out.  At first, this will require a DAILY, dare I say MOMENT BY MOMENT decree from within us.  Big B will continue to throw darts and arrows, hurl rocks, detonate soul crushing bombs and even resort to nasty little whispers in our ears.  We must HOLD FAST at every turn, each moment.  When we feel our knees buckling under the pressure to believe anything Bib B has to say, we must STAND FIRM, an unmovable defense against that domestic enemy.

We shake, we shake, we shake some more until that Bully on our Backs falls off, we hear the beautiful sound of silence and we start to dance!

“Shake It Out”

Florence + the Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

‘Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I tried to dance with the devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn
(Oh whoa, oh whoa)

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

 

 

Perspectiva Inversa

You are worth

Nothing.  There is so much

Wasted.   You ruin

Everything good … Nothing about you is

Beautiful.   You are the embodiment of

Mistakes   Your Mental, emotional, physical characteristics –

Have no lasting impact.   Each day  you should disregard your

Value.   Shame and regret 

Overwhelming you … Embrace the

Hopelessness, doubts, fears from

Every moment   Prevent

Courage – Rise up and then

Dim your

Light from the inside out.  Never

Enough value, beauty, worth, passion, goodness, discipline,

You have

Now read from the bottom line up (left to right) from the last line to the first.

Perspectiva Inversa

We are what we think.  The negativity that swirls in our minds concerning ourselves is devastating.  It predicts our every movement through life, our reactions to others, our assumed position in this World.  Oh the fiery darts we throw at our own hearts.  The World is full of naysayers and haters, yet we are our worst enemy most days.  From the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning to pillowing our heads at night, the running dialogue of self doubt, self hatred, self sabotage creates a slow and painful death to our spirits.

It takes courage to stand up for ourselves amidst the doubts and fears, the insecurities, the mistakes, the wounds, the regrets.  That battalion of warriors inside our heads is fierce, unrelenting, harsh and cruel and is willing at any moment to take us down, and HARD.  It uses every single weapon in our wheelhouse to weaken us until we fall.  The enemy at the gates is sly and uses seemingly innocuous means to keep us from standing tall and living in victory.

Comparing ourselves to others.  Oh, that’s a sticky one.  We become entrapped in the “less than” pit.  The waters are muddy and our feet slip on the slimy undersurface of “looking less”, “having less”, “being less”.  There is no standing on such a surface.

Returning to Regrets.  Like a dog returns to its own vomit.  Melodramatic you say?  Ahhh, but we do this ALL THE TIME.  There’s no standing in victory while hunched over, feasting on the rancid remnants of regrets.

Carrying the bag of Shame.  This is a doozie and is a sure way of crippling anyone under its weight.  The thing is, we aren’t meant to carry that pack on our backs.  Shame is an uninvited traveler, perched on our shoulders, free-loading from us along the journey.  It takes our pride, our dignity, our fortitude and eventually our ability to take another step toward victory.  For as long as we are allow ourselves to be heavy laden, the cost to Shame is nothing.  The cost to us is great.

Validating Devaluation.  We are the only ones who can allow ourselves to feel devalued.  Sure, others can attempt to make us feel worthless by the words they say or the way they treat us, but it’s only in our own agreement with them that we become flanked on all sides by the value stealers.  Our worth was decided from the very beginning.  “You are beautifully and wonderfully made.”  No other person, circumstance, group of people, authority figures, mistakes in life can change the fact that from the beginning of time our value was already established.  Validating devaluation of ourselves hangs our heads so low that we can no longer see the path ahead, fight the battles or even come close to living in victory.

Playing Hangman with Hopelessness.   Whenever we play against the house, the house usually wins.  It is risky behavior to play games with Hopelessness.  Much like Russian Roulette, the odds of coming out alive are slim.  The noose of Hopelessness is tied and ready to choke us out.  Hopelessness and all the various emotions it brings to the playing table is a crooked dealer wanting us to believe, in the depths of our souls, that there’s just no use in trying.  There’s no hope for 2nd chances, for change, for any good thing — and certainly no hope for winning battles, much less the war.  Not too far into the game we find ourselves hung up, barely breathing.

Moving in with FEAR.  When we decide to live our lives side by side with FEAR, we get into bed with a LIAR.  Watch your back.  Keep one eye open because FEAR could snuff you out in your sleep.  FEAR cripples.  FEAR steals joy, happiness.  FEAR puts up road blocks, stop signs, no entry placards.  FEAR keeps our strength at bay.  FEAR asphyxiates us and robs us of our forward drive on this battleground of life.

We need PERSPECTIVA INVERSA.  We need a change of thought … a reversal … a flip side … a completely upside down re-write of the programmed thought process in our heads.  We’ve got dragons and demons to slay.  There’s a battle ground in our minds and hearts with enough enemies from within and from without that are vying for victory.  The enemies plot daily to steal, kill and destroy from any and every angle possible.  We have work to do beginning with our own internal dialogue.  Let’s gather our troops to the frontline.  It’s time for battle.

Perspectiva Inversa, my comrades.  Onward and Upward!

 

Why I JUMPED …

It all began as I was sitting on that Spin bike … this time a participant instead of the instructor … I carry that proverbial weight on my shoulders and realize that my tank of inner angst has reached full capacity.  Dark goes the room.  Pitch black to match the pitch of blackness I am positive is oozing from my pores.  Perfect.  No one can see me which means I can be invisible.  I am surrounded by only a handful of people I recognize.  So many that I once knew have moved on, whether to another gym, another state or another set of circumstances.  They are not unlike me … I’ve moved on too.  Another gym in another state under a whole different set of circumstances.  Hence the angst.  It feels good to be sitting here, in the dark, connected yet equally invisible to these people and this place. 

The black lights come on and like a psychedelic dance floor all the white garments in the room begin to reflect off each other, swirling with energy.  The instructor is a former student of mine and I’m proud to see her taking charge.  I know for certain that our taste in music is the same … the hardcore, drive-out-the-demons-in-your-head kind of rhythm, beat and lyrics that bring out the best of me when I exercise.  It’s go time.  I crank up the gear, feeling my quads, hams and glutes engage as I reach into the toxic places in my heart, being ready to leave those toxins in a puddle on the floor around my bike.  The Lake of Michele is what I use to call it.

And then she does it.  She drops a sentence that exits her mouth, flies across the room, dodging the swirling energy of the white reflections, and lands full of fury in my brain and heart.

“I’m jumping out of an airplane tomorrow”, she says almost matter-of-factly.

And then she continues to speak about it, but this is what I hear:

“I’m part of a blah blah blah out in Zephyrhills at Sky Dive City where we blah blah blah and jump, working on my blah blah free fall blah blah blah exhilarating, blah, blah, scary but fun.  Anyone can blah blah blah join me.”

Oh no you don’t.  My somewhat logical brain is talking to my very much illogical heart.  Absolutely not.  You are deathly afraid of heights, for one.  You could die, for two.  You’ve adamantly refused any such notion in the past, for three.  There are many other ways to “feel alive”, for four.  And there’s sundry scenarios that can assist you in getting past your current difficulties …  jumping out of a perfectly safe airplane does not need to be one of them!

However, there and then, while pedaling myself to nowhere in particular, my heart won.   “Join me” — I kept hearing those two little words.  “Join me“.  Not a question but an imperative statement.  YOU, (Michele) MUST JOIN ME.  My heart did a victory dance in front of my brain who was sitting in the corner sulking in defeat.

I show up the next day completely in disbelief at what I am about to do.  I had recruited one other person.  Not sure why.  Maybe I considered the fact that if death did, in fact, occur there would be people who witnessed it and could live to tell.  Possibly I wouldn’t die alone … we’d all die together.  Perhaps it was the competitor in me who said, “If she can do this, certainly you can do this.”  And so there we were.  Arriving 3 deep … the spin instructor, me and my friend … we sign our lives away on a stack of forms, were assigned our tandem instructors, suit up, practice our sky diving arches and wait with sweaty palms and racing hearts as the plane arrives.

Scared is too light a word to describe my walk to the plane.  Although I do not know what a walk of death really feels like, the current of fear mixed with adrenaline along with my elevated heart rate allow me to have a vivid sense of what a walk of death could feel like.   Nothing about this venture puts me at ease.  There are plenty reasons why I shouldn’t jump. It was on a whim that I made the decision, without so much as a lick of research so as not to destroy the little ounce of courage I had inside.  Whim decisions rarely put anyone at ease.  Jumping at 13, 500 feet (let’s be honest, jumping from 20 feet would’ve been enough) exceeds any standard I have in relation to one of my biggest fears in life, the fear of heights.  Acrophobia, for the word nerds out there, like me.  I value the people who had accompanied me, so why would I want to be falling from the sky with them at a terminal velocity that could create quite a “splat factor” if anything goes awry?  Somehow I walk, of my own free will, to the plane despite the gut-check panic and sheer terror I feel.   The plane itself is reason enough to run away and forget this craziness … it creaks and groans, rattles and shakes as it carries a sardined group of about 20 people to their jumping point in the sky.  Everything in me screams with profound panic at what I am about to do.

The 3 of us, basically sitting in the laps of our tandem instructors, try to make small talk while the plane climbs like a bird with a broken wing to 13, 500 ft above the soft, safe, grassy turf of Earth.  Looking out the window, I could see the curve of the earth.  Holy crap!  I feel like I am close to outer space.  I mean, seriously, the EARTH’S CURVE is staring at me, eye to eye.  We still have time to decline, back out, quit, call it a good enough day without ever leaving the airplane.

The solo flyers jump first … full of maddening excitement and without any evidence of fear.  They do somersaults at the open door, shrieking with utter joy as they plummet to the earth.  And then come the tandems … crab crawling towards the door one after the other.  We were the first on the plane, the last to jump.  I’m not sure if being last and watching everyone else empty the plane before me is a good or a bad thing in reference to my pounding heart and my sudden inability to breathe.  I watch my friend shuffle with her tandem partner to the door.  She looks horrified.  And suddenly she’s gone.  Poof!  She disappears over the edge of the open doorway into the vast blue sky, falling, falling, falling.  What have we done??

And before I know it, Bill, my tandem instructor, is yelling in my ear (over the thunderous roar of the airplane’s propeller) that we are next.  Crawling and shuffling, awkwardly we make it to the gaping mouth of the plane.  Oh no.  No, No, No.  My eyes are wide.  I can’t breathe.  We are wayyyy too far off the ground.  No, No, No.  I’m hanging onto the bar above my head, white knuckling it, I’m sure. 

“Let go”, he says.  Let go.  Let go.  Let go.  There’s something that rings very true inside my spirit when he says those words.  And I know for certain that those 2 words will mean more to me on a metaphoric level later than they do on an actual physical level right this very moment.  And so I do.  In trust, yet still racked with horror …

I.   Let.   Go.

3 …. 2 …. 1 ….

The plane is suddenly above me as we flip upside down.  Bill intended for me to see that perfectly safe airplane clearly and wave goodbye to it, wave goodbye to my sense of reason, wave goodbye to the face of fear.  I am surprised to see it getting smaller as we flip a couple times before the true free fall begins.  We are belly down now, the curve of the earth beautifully visible straight ahead and the rush of air in my face.  It is silent except for the air.

I am reminded of a quote by Rumi,

 “This silence.  This moment, EVERY moment, if it’s genuinely inside you, brings what you need.  Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.”

I’m not falling at all, am I?  It doesn’t feel like I am.  Oh the exhilaration!  It’s beautiful up here!  And wait … I’m not afraid anymore.  I’m ecstatic.  I actually let go.  I jumped.  I did it!  I did it for me.  I wasn’t coerced or convinced.  I CHOSE to jump and never in a million years would I have thought this was something I’d choose, in my right mind or in my not-so-right mind. 

I can’t get enough of what I am seeing and feeling.  I am FREE.  There are no inhibitions in this moment of free fall.  And what a grouping of words to describe what is happening:  FREE FALL.  Free from fear.  Free from confinement.  Free from sadness.  Free from the half-life I am living.  Falling away from security and what I believe to be safety.  Falling upside down, tossed about and doing so of my own volition.  Falling dangerously but without a care in the world.  Falling alongside only a few in life who were willing to take the plunge as well. Falling with the biggest smile on my face!  FREE.  FALL.

There’s a saying, “Do something every day that scares you!”  Why?  What is the purpose of such an action?  I believe when you live in fear (fear of change, fear of being lonely, fear of vulnerability with others, fear of tangible things and intangible things), you create a cage around your heart.  Life begins to get smaller and smaller as you back yourself into your corner of apparent safety.  For me, fears in life made their impression on me at a very young age.  Most of those fears are intangible, emotional kinds of fears.  Some, like acrophobia, are more tangible.  I realize I have lived to date under my own allegiance to fear, thereby enabling it to grow more and more powerful.  Fear’s growth created the inner angst that I began to carry on my back, everywhere I went, until I found myself immobilized.

“Run from what’s comfortable.  Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.  Don’t worry that your life is turning upside down.  How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”   ~Rumi

Why did I jump from a perfectly safe airplane?  Because my life depended on it.

I needed to stand up tall, put on my big girl panties and face myself.  Jumping became the impetus for change.  It was the turning point that planted the seeds of new-found courage that prompted me to reach inside of myself, wrestle down the woman of fear and sadness who had kept me in a cage all these years, tear open up my heart and mind and freely fall into the twists and turns of life, despite the occasional thumping of my heartbeat and the inability to breathe.  I needed to discontinue holding onto comfort, looking over my shoulder at the past where I thought I was comfortable and safe.  I needed the wind to blow in my life.  Blow NEW life into my lungs, new courage to face change or loss or sadness or heartbreak without crumbling into a heap of fear on the floor.  I needed to jump from great heights in order to gain a new perspective.  I needed to jump so that I could see the beautiful curves of this life and allow them to look at me eye to eye.  Letting go, jumping, flipping over, watching my safety net get smaller and smaller prepared me to face other obstacles in life where I’d have to make a choice to do something that scares me to my core.

I needed to jump from a perfectly safe airplane.  My life, my heart, my soul depended on it, and if given the chance, I’d jump again!